Birthday coming up

Two out of three kids are having a little nap, Zacks making carrots out of play-doh and I feel as if I’ve not slept in weeks although I’ve not slept too bad, can’t ever win huh?.
I’m starting to think about what birthday presents to get Zack, it can be a little difficult seems his interests aren’t quite like of other kids his age. ┬áThere is one thing I keep looking at which Zack absolutely loves to play with when he has been to his speech and language therapy, and Its a wooden boat with little wooden men. I have looked absolutely everywhere online but I cannot seem to find it. If anyone has any idea of where I might find this, please let me know.

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Back to reality

Tomorrows the start of a new week again, and I’m really not looking forward to it that much. Ryans had his first week booked of from work in a while and its been so nice having him at home with us.So its back to normality tomorrow again, although I’m going to miss having Ryan here, its going to be nice to get back into a normal routine again. I tend to get more things done when its just me and the kids.

Little hiccup is lying next to me “swimming”, hes doing his very best to move forward but at the moment its mostly just legs and arms in the air waving around, although he does move slightly forward now and again through worming.

For now I’m going to enjoy the last night of the weekend with my other half, but ill be back here again soon.

Happy Jasper on the swings, its about the only thing they want to go on when we go to the park.

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Rested

Although I didn’t end up going to bed as early as I planned I still feel quite rested. I got the kids of to sleep in less then half hour so when Ryan got home I left hiccup with him so that I could have a nice warm bath and pamper myself a little.

I really need to do it a little more often, because wow I feel so much better!

Now Jaspers napping and Zacks eating brunch after refusing breakfast this morning. Jamie’s playing on his blanket, and I’m sitting down for a few minutes before I do clean up number two for today.

By the way how cute isn’t Zacks little braid, love it. And it keeps his hair out of his face.

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Tired, bored and jinxed

It seems that everytime I say I’m feeling a little more rested something backfires and I end up with a bad nights sleep, although it’s not nearly as bad for me as it is for Ryan who’s only had a couple of hours sleep.

So I think its safe to say I will be having an early night, after I’ve had a nice long warm bath.

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September

Finally back to some sort of normality again. I’ve started working out again after a couple of weeks break, and my energy is slowly returning probably as a result from me eating a little bit better.

Ryan’s worked a late shift and hasn’t been home that long.

I’ve started wondering wether I might be a little sensitive to dairy products, without really thinking about it I’ve barely had any dairy at all since Jamie was born. Until today, and my stomach has swelled up to the point where it looks like I’m pregnant, along with quite a bit of discomfort. I think I’ll just avoid dairy from now on and try some alternatives.

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New week again

So it’s not been the best start to this Monday, one of us have been up all night due to a stomach bug or food poisoning? And I got woke up about four this morning by Zack who decided it was wake up time.

Of course he’s very tired now so if I’m lucky he might go for a nap about the same time as Jasper does and I’ll be able to catch up on some sleep.

We have started re-painting at home and I’m changing some of the details at home so my original plan was to start sanding down a table I’ll be painting but I have a feeling that might be put on hold for today. We also ordered a new media unit yesterday which won’t be delivered until next week. Is it just me who thinks it feels a little bit like Christmas when your expecting a delivery?

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Precious time

It’s just so amazing to watch our little baby grow and at the same time I just want him to keep being this little forever. He’s so happy about everything and sits and talks to us plays with his toys and is just pure joy in everyway. He’s almost four months now and before we know it it’s time to start on solid foods, and soon he will be crawling following his brothers around.

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Bin excitement

Ahh wonderful Friday, although it’s been a little chilly today, I almost turnt the heating on, but thought ehm no just get jumpers out for everyone but Jamie who’s only really got summer clothes so he’s been wrapped in a blanket all day. Time to start buying some warmer clothes.

Highlight of the day must of been our new bin arriving, is that sad? When you get excited about ordering a bin, does it come with old age? Haha. We’ve just had a bag hanging on hooks on our back door, and with heavy nappies in the bag the hooks just keep falling of resulting in the contents of the bin bag all over the floor so I’m very happy about my “stylish bin”.

Ryan’s just got Zack and Jasper of to sleep and Jamie’s just fell asleep next to me so time for me and hubby to get some alone time together.

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The truth

I have hesitated for a while about writing this, I’ve wanted to keep it a secret, wanted to hide, just don’t want anyone to know. But maybe this can be a part of my recovery, maybe it will help? I don’t know.

For a while now I’ve been struggling with yet another depression, for as long as I can remember I’ve been battling depressions on and off for different reasons and I’m just so tired of it, so disappointed in myself and just so very tired.

I knew this was something that could happen again and I tried to take measures to prevent it from happening but yet here I am struggling.

And I feel like doing nothing, I feel like a bad mother, I’m constantly tired, constantly judging myself.

Zacks going through steps towards a diagnosis and I feel like I need to be sharp and strong but I feel weak and my brain can barely keep up with what I did yesterday. Jamie is a very calm and happy baby and I feel as if I don’t spend enough time holding him or playing with him. Jasper is constantly on my heels “mummy, mummy mummmyyy” and I feel as if he needs so much more from me, and I feel sorry for him when he tries reaching out to Zack and gets ignored but doesn’t understand why.

I am getting help, I’m on medication which helps me get by, I don’t do therapy after several failed attempts. I just need to work on myself to get back to normal. So this is why I’ve not been updating the blog recently, I’ve just been trying to hide.

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