I had to have the conversation the other day with Jasper, the conversation that I was hoping I wouldn’t have to have yet for a while, a couple of years or you know ever.
Jasper looks at my bump with a very puzzled look and asks me “mummy how did the baby get in there?”. I completely panic, I was not prepared for this and I answer “ When mummy’s and daddy’s love each other very much they have really big cuddles and that makes a baby “. Jasper the little smart ass couldn’t just accept this answer and be done with it nope instead he says “but mummy I give you cuddles”. So panic mode again “ehrum yes but it’s only when boyfriends and girlfriends cuddle that you can make a baby”. And before he manages to come up with another question to my terrible answer I ask him if he has a girlfriend? He replies “ Mummy my girlfriends a little bit interesting “
And that made me laugh so hard that I nearly peed myself.
When it comes to the talk though, I think I’ll have to have a think and sit down and have a better conversation with him, I don’t think the answers I gave him were the best. He took me by surprise okay? I need time to prepare for something like that. ?
These quarantine days are going fast and slow at the same time, just like this pregnancy. I want it to go faster because I’m so heavy and tired already. But at the same time I want it to slow down because I have so many things I need get done before our little girl is here. And my stress levels are peaking way too high as it is.
Jasper can’t wait for his little sister to arrive and is always coming up to me giving my bump cuddles and kisses and wanting to feel baby kick.
He’s also expressed an interest in how baby gets out of mummies belly. His new thing is now to point at my private parts whilst telling me that the baby comes out of there and it’s going to hurt. It’s a nice reminder of what’s to come.
As I was reading through my old blog posts the other day I came across one about weather or not we would be having any more children – you can read it here.
And it made me laugh as clearly things didn’t end up the way I thought they would. Because here we are expecting our fourth child.
And although it’s been a struggle for me mentally, accepting that we’re having another child. I’m now in a place where I can say I’m happy about it and I can’t wait to meet our little girl ( I was never not happy, however I was terrified and that feeling took over at that point in time). Although I am still scared about having four children, and how we are going to manage with everything. The other week I completely broke down because I thought we was going to have to buy a new car, but more about that in a separate post.
Saturday and a good week has nearly come to an end. Back to our normal routine again on Monday. And I’m feeling a little sad about it.
There is so many things going on in our life’s right now and if I’m honest I don’t always know what I’m doing or how I’m feeling I’m just running on some kind of autopilot. But I am slowly working my way back to prioritising myself. For such a long time I have been putting myself down and not taking care of or doing anything for me. For such a long time I have just been a mom and nothing else but I am more then just a mother and I am slowly finding those parts of me that makes me, well me.
I haven’t picked my camera up until today and I’ve barely updated any social media the last week.
As much as I enjoy social media – and it’s something I do because I enjoy it. I tend to put to much pressure on myself sometimes taking the fun out of it and making it stressful. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing recently, so I decided to just take a break for a week and just be. And it’s certainly worked, I feel inspired with photo ideas, blog post ideas and my fingers just want to keep tapping away on my keyboard but I’m going to have to restrain myself a little because I have to be up bright and early tomorrow and if I’m honest I am really tired.
But I will be back tomorrow with a weekly evaluation, and what’s happening this week. I’ll probably end up writing a few more posts that I’ll schedule to be published throughout the week.
Where do I start? Since we started suspecting Zack having ASD, everything has been a roller coaster. It’s a constant mixture of feelings and I try not think too much about the future and focus on here and now and how to best prepare him for well – life.
Zack pretty much mastered PECS straight away it was something he enjoyed doing and therefor did with no problem at all. Our current work in progress is something called colourful semantics where we have hit a slight bump in the road. Zack wants to do things his way on his terms, if it doesn’t happen in his way he gets stressed, upset inattentive and just tries running of with it to do it himself the way he likes it.
So try to get him slowly used to this I need him on his own with no distraction which is easier said then done when he gets distracted by a cup sitting on the side and he has two brothers running around. But we will get there and we will keep working on it.
Sometimes I feel so useless, I haven’t got enough time, not enough hands, not enough energy. I just feel like a failure and that I need to do so much more, I want to do so much more. But I don’t know how I keep working to get there but somehow end up moving backwards.
But I guess all I can do is my best, and strive to always be better and do better.