The truth

I have hesitated for a while about writing this, I’ve wanted to keep it a secret, wanted to hide, just don’t want anyone to know. But maybe this can be a part of my recovery, maybe it will help? I don’t know.

For a while now I’ve been struggling with yet another depression, for as long as I can remember I’ve been battling depressions on and off for different reasons and I’m just so tired of it, so disappointed in myself and just so very tired.

I knew this was something that could happen again and I tried to take measures to prevent it from happening but yet here I am struggling.

And I feel like doing nothing, I feel like a bad mother, I’m constantly tired, constantly judging myself.

Zacks going through steps towards a diagnosis and I feel like I need to be sharp and strong but I feel weak and my brain can barely keep up with what I did yesterday. Jamie is a very calm and happy baby and I feel as if I don’t spend enough time holding him or playing with him. Jasper is constantly on my heels “mummy, mummy mummmyyy” and I feel as if he needs so much more from me, and I feel sorry for him when he tries reaching out to Zack and gets ignored but doesn’t understand why.

I am getting help, I’m on medication which helps me get by, I don’t do therapy after several failed attempts. I just need to work on myself to get back to normal. So this is why I’ve not been updating the blog recently, I’ve just been trying to hide.

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